jibun wo shinjite

I really wonder is it because i’m not used to it. That’s why i’m feeling so unmotivated and frustrated. I must learn to be smarter in my work, to be on the going, not to procrastinate. To ignore anything that is negative to my emotions right? Joining and leaving are part and parcel. It’s a life cycle. I have to get over and get used to it. I’ve got to be more mature in my thinking and actions, professional in my job. Time will pass by very fast. A short break is required to reorganise my way of thinking. To know what’s my next step in life. I do not have the luxury to be irresponsible and i dun’t want to be a quitter. i need to face this positively and finish them as quickly as possible. Also, i need to learn and accept the fact that people come and go, no one is indispensable, not to care too much about it and be adaptable to situation.

I’m ½ done with plan 1. Good. +D
Plan 2 is in a stage with a lot of uncertainties. Need to have the draft 1 out in 1 month time so that i have sufficient time.
This will be my stepping stone and i’m just left with 20 more to go. I can do this. I’m going to just stop sulking about it and just do it. I’m a perseverance fighter =D

1 more month to choir concert!! Can’t wait although dun’t really want it to come cause after that there won’t be any Saturday practices for quite some time. Then there goes my sanity outlet...oh well.

i dun't know what's wrong with myself.

but i just know that, it's time to get my life back to a balance.

work, friends, plans for study ....

singing with intelligence is the only thing i can do.=)

i think i dun't know what i am doing.

what's my goals & expectations.

i feel like/ acting like a kid in the adult world. unable to protect myself from harm.

what's real what's fake, what sort of people connections  and all...

sometimes i wonder if is it me that is not strong enough mentally and physically to handle this. am i still in lala- dream land?

just living as the days past.

the internet lead me to blogs that i din know of. read of stuffs that i totally not aware of and make me ponder about myself. althought those were stuffs written from 2006 - 2009. i really wonder what sort of friend am i to other people. people that i thought as friends turn out to be a different person. i guess i just dunno them at all. or, i din make the effort to know them well and keep in touch with them, being/ helping them regardless of being in school or outside. also, how i behaved during that time what had other people thought of me? i guess i thought i was in the good side of everybody, being partial, sensitive and all  to everybody. i thought i was of a standard good enough as a friend/close friend/best friend. but apparently, i'm not. i suppose i dunno how to maintain a r/s. too caught up in my own world, too self centred, too shallow... =C
i really dunno how to make small talks, to be close term with ppl aka currying flavours to ppl. i dun't know hw to always keep in touch with my closest friends regularly. to be always contacting them, telling abt my stuffs and all. i guess, that's just not me. nt the guai kia/boring/serious that people/friends know me as. i guessthat's why throughout my sch life, my friends that i know seems to be of at surface area.  well, some of them, i do know more than that and all, bt it seems that i nvr make the effort to sustain them. and over time when we meet again, it seems to be back to square one. ='(   i had always thought that true friends are those where even you din always keep in touch, the rapport& trust between each other is always still there. it'll just seems lyk you had made and talk to each other yesterday when in actual fact, u had nt been contacting each other for a longwhile/ quite some time. i thought tht true friends are those where u meet up and just sit next to each other without talking at all and you feel relax, peace and like you 2 had juz converse/ know wht each other were thinking.. . however, these does not seems to fit. but i still want to believe in it althought it might seems shallow and whats not. so to friends that read this, i'm really sorry if i dunt contact you on regular basis or whats not lah(nt making an effort etc.). it's juz that i am who i am, if i really do all those above mentioned things, then i guess i'm the e person that you know right?? i dunt want to put on a mask infront of people that i consider as my dear friends. wo yao yi zhen chen de xin he ni men jiao peng you, wei chi you qing.  thanks for allowing me to be myself infront of you.  there are too many self-caused compliacating things in life, won't it be great to keep things pure and simple?there are too many self-caused compliacating things in life, won't it be great to keep things pure and simple?

work's hectic. everybody have many things to do. we'r all trying to learn the art of multi-tasking and are all grabbing for a lifebouy for breather... and i'm still slow in my work no matter what the others said. not able to leave office on time = slow. yes, that's my gauge. there's underlying politics everywhere and i dunt want to get involve in it. i have much to fret about. and i really dunno how to get clues/hints of what people are saying.(verbal/ non-verbal actions) i also keep thinking why i want to be so on? sense of responsibility? want to gain recognition/approval? or want to prove that not all Y generations can't tahan stress etc (to prove that we are not chao mei zhu). i really dunno what the main reasons, maybe it's a bit of everything... confuseee... oh yah, i want to be neutral, dunt want to act close with who and who. bottom line, i just want to be me & fufill my work responsibility to the best, am slow in my work. arghh... striving on to be better.

Time check: 1.25am

i dunt feel sleepy yet although i have work tmr. =C

how to manage a balance lifestyle? and studies is not in  the equation yet.

i wish.i need.i want. TO BE STRONGER 

saw students doing flagday today as part of their orientation. my first reaction was envious. 2nd, ashame and 3rd, jealous.  envious that they are still students of the same/ 1/2 yr age gap and that they have a chance to study in local uni aka uni student and are not working. oh well, i have no rights to complain since i din study smart and hard in poly nor do i have the means to do full time private studies. and i realise that i kind of wanting to anti-socialize as i feel so inferior when most of my friends are in uni. inferiority complex,   it'll always be a big big black spot that i can't fill it up. ='c

honeymoon's over. really hope that what ever i do, it'll be retain in my brain. and also that i can do it with speed and accuracy. and be a asset  and not a liability to my section. they are so kind to teach me when they'r all so busy with their own work together with the hectic deadlines to meet. i really really dunt want to dissappoint whatever expectations they have of me when they hired me. 

was so overwhelmed  with informations that i have to encourage/calm myself down.  hopefully i'll rmb  all the procedures for the different transactions. well, this is part and parcel of stepping into the working world . my first full time job. office policies and how i carry myself and how i treat other collegues and in-charges.(irony thing: the people i look up to as role models are also people that i'm scare of =x)  and i'll still have to contemplate on my future career path.    

finance is really important. and i'm very worried about it. no one can help me but myself. what are valleys and what are peaks? It all depends on how i interprete them and their durations. 

POSITIVE MINDSET! SURVIVOR! GAMBETTE! OPEN-MINDED!!

' i have so many things to say but im juz so lazy to say them'  so true.....

my own identity. expectations. goals and targets. future aspirations. gosh, so much to think of. 

i love my weekends =D 

i want to travel to many places. japan, taiwan, hongkong, tibet, lake toba, european coutries and many many more. but that will require alot of money. so i have to save.

i want the complete set of harry potter series in a box. the kind that was sold last year end. gotta save and buy it when it appear again hopefully. lolz.

i want to go to amusement parks to try on adventurous & thrilling rides.

so many wants.... tsk tsk...

i feel so disorientated. it's difficult to put it into words. depressing.

things changes as time moves. the whole experience no longer give that kind of sactury, satisfaction as before.

emo emo emo-tee.

they say it'll kill you if you dont sleep for 7 days straight.

Quotes taken from everywhere:

if you truly play your own piano, you'll be able to savour the best feeling imaginable.

As a leader, you must still hang in there even though you are very unhappy and painful.If you collapse, the whole team will collapse with you.

Give more. Expect less.

Behind every smile, there could be sadness.
Behind every smile can be an attempt to conceal what we really feel.

How you look can be the oppersite of who you are. What you say can be the oppersite of what you mean. And who you think you can't stand, can turn out to be exactly who you need.

It's hard to always "be yourself".How are we supposed to be ourselves when we are still figuring out who that is? We are all poseur = person who pretends to be what he or she is not.

To speak with confidence, to have confidence, to present oneself well.

Everything happens for a reason

Memories capture the happiest moment and the saddest moment.

You may earn a lot in the future, but there will be a day when you grow old and die. It's important to like what you are doing.

Life can't be smooth sailing all the times, but as long as we have a handful of good friends, a life with enough money to spend, we should be glad and happy.

Life is like a journey in which time is the distance and emotions our obstacles: Finishing the journey, overcoming the bad emotions with good emotions, is more important than pondering on why we are going to the destination.

Why do u get angry?
because you cannot fulfill ur goal since its blocked.
Why do u get dissappointed?
because ur goals are not fulfilled.
why are u anxious?
because u do not know whether ur goals are fulfilled

Life  is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who  treat you right.. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe  everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance,  grab it with both hands.  If it changes your life,
let  it.  Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised  it would be worth it.

Friends  are like balloons; once you let them go, you might not  get  them back. Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and  problems that we may not even notice that we've let them fly  away. Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's  wrong that we forget what's right and wrong. Sometimes we just  don't realize what real friendship means until it is too late.

15 days of june had gone. fast. it was disappointing and misery but somewhat a tingy feeling of relief. abit of mixed feelings for next week. oh well, gonna just treat it as a eye opening experience.

options and choices. a very different path indeed. i guess that's why i can't seem to connect with people easily. superficial-lity, sudden closeness/coldness, it's weird and uncomprehan-dable for me. i have long fallen out of the comparison  race. zhi zhu kuai le ban de dao?

frankly, i'm scared of the future, what it holds for me and what i want for myself.

blog is a place to snoop details and happenings of a person.

 au revoir